The Knight of Years Past

You know how sometimes you get a phone call or text that is unexpected and out of the blue from someone you haven't seen in a long while. . .

Perhaps you had worked together in the past, or maybe you had just known each other as friends of friends.  Then, out of no where, that person reaches out to you and you are happy to hear from them because you had a positive experience with them, and enjoyed their company.

This is exactly what happened to me.

I was knee deep into my dating experiences. I had enjoyed (?) a conga line of Knights but was fairly thread bare from doing the 'what do you do for work,' and  'what are your hobbies' convo. I had decided for a short break from dating so that I could re-focus on some of my relationships with friends I had not seen in a while due to this Death March of dating.   I longed for a break from the getting to know you conversation and having to try to muddle through a challenging evening that was otherwise not working out.

Nearly as soon as I had wished for it, wa-la, I got a text from someone from my past.  He and I had worked together nearly a decade ago, and I had always thought of him fondly as a good friend, and generally all-around good person.

His text warm and friendly as he had always been.  It was a "Hey you! How you doin?!?"

I happily returned a text of "hey, what's up man!"

He was always such a great guy. . .it was such a pleasure to hear from him!

I had been at his wedding, we shared mutual friends, and I thought that this was a call to report in about a new job or some other of wildly successful occasion that he was reaching out to share. He asked if we could meet up for a drink and I agreed.  This man had a great life, great wife and a beautiful new baby from what I had heard from friends.  I wanted to hear all about his successes. I looked forward to meeting for a drink.

We decided to grab a drink at the Shannon Rose on a Tuesday evening.  I threw on a pair of jeans and a sweater, wrapped my hair up into a bun and slid into my Converse sneakers.  I felt that this was proper friend attire.  Generally in the past we had met for lunch, but I imagined he had a full plate these days, and a quick drink after work was probably all he could fit in.

I headed down to the Shannon Rose and parked myself at the bar. I ordered up a Strongbow and patiently awaited my friend's arrival.

A few minutes after my arrival, he blew into the restaurant.  He looked a bit harried, with a phone to his ear and struggling to loosen his tie while walking towards the bar.

He saw me from a few feet away, smiled, waved, pointed to his phone and put up the 'just one minute' finger. I smiled back and nodded in agreement.

He had barely aged. He looked like the same 20 year old kid I had known way back when.  He was sharply dressed in a blue pinstripe suit, white shirt and navy tie. He had always been very fashion forward, and I recalled busting his balls about his keen fashion sense when we would see each other.

'Still a great dresser,' I thought to myself.

He hung up his call and then dashed over to join me at one of the only empty seats left at the bar. He gave me a big hug and a kiss on the cheek.  He grabbed me by the shoulders and held me back to take a look at me.

"My God, you don't age do you?" he proclaimed.

"And this coming from a man who doesn't seem to age either!" I responded.

"How the hell have you been?"he asked,  "You look great!"

"Well I find that the Diet Coke and vodka have been the key to preserving my youthful glow," I giggled.

I hailed the bartender over for him and he ordered a Heineken Light.

He made fun of his own order. "You know we're aging when we can't have the regular beer anymore and light is the only option that doesn't make you all gross the following day."

I smiled warmly and toasted a cheers to old friends getting together.

"Seriously though," he asked. "How's life treating you?"

"Awe. I can't complain. Work is good, been traveling a ton over the last few years and well, no matter how far I move away. I just keep coming back to Jersey."

He shared that through mutual friends that he had heard about my travels and moving over seas from time to time.

We talked about where we used to work together, and shared stories of the fun we had had at happy hours and past occasions together.  He inquired as to how my ex was, having heard that we were no longer together.  I shared that he was now married, and doing well as far as I knew.  We ordered a second beer and some light bites to eat.

He asked if I had ever gotten married. To try to make light of the situation I shared that in my 20s all the wrong ones "kept asking and I kept saying 'no', and now into my 30s, no one seemed to be asking anymore."

Just slow your row there mister. . .

This made him laugh.  He asked if anyone new was in the picture, and I told him that I had had zero success on the dating front to this point.

I guess he could kind of read my disappointment with my perpetual single-hood and seemed to switch gears with the conversation.  I appreciated this.

"Still throwing 'bows?" he asked as he gestured with his elbows poking me in the side. He shared that he had seen me in the newspaper for roller derby a number of times, and had wanted to come and see me play.

"Ah, well it was a good run," I shared. "I am retired now. Got tired of the politics, and my body got tired of the regular beatings. It was lovely while it lasted, but retirement has been good to me."

"Well you look no worse for the wear," he shared.  "I had always thought you had a great figure."  This made me a bit uncomfortable coming from a married man. . .wasn't like him to come off as creepy. Odd.

"Looks like you have been staying fit," I mentioned pointing at him. "Chasing the babe is keeping you in shape I imagine? Still playing hockey?"

"Well," he began. "I barely have time for anything other than work and my kid. They moved me up in the company and I have had an insane schedule for the past three years. It's nuts."

"Oh man," I began. "You're wife must miss you terribly.  How is she? She is such a great woman! Is she still working for the same company?"

His demeanor changed. He shifted in his seat a bit.

"You didn't hear I guess. . ." He seemed confused.

"I didn't hear what?" I asked. Oh God, what had happened to his wife.

"She and I divorced about 18 months ago," he began.  "I don't know. I guess we just grew apart.  I was never around, she changed after we had the baby, and I guess it just fell apart from there."

"Oh, geez. I am so sorry," I said, feeling awful. I really didn't mean to bring up a painful situation for him. How could I have not known. I can't recall any of our mutual friends mentioning this to me.  Based upon the time frame, I must have been living in Australia at the time of his split.  I guess everyone figured that I knew??

"Oh don't be sorry," he continued.  She's getting re-married and he's actually a really good guy.  No bad feelings between us, we just grew apart.  It happens some times,  I guess.  I really thought you knew. . ."

Call me naive.  I had no idea.

To try to switch gears to make HIM feel less awkward, I asked about his kid. He was overjoyed to share stories about his child, and he pulled out his phone to show me pictures.  A LOT of pictures. He told me that every waking moment that he had available was spent with his child.  He spoke of his home now looking like a Toys'R'Us, and how his fridge was stocked full of kid snacks.  His idea of a great weekend was taking his child to Chuck E Cheese, and then to the zoo or the park, and crashing at 8pm.

His idea of a great weekend sounded like the ninth ring of hell for me.

He asked how I felt about not having kids, and if I thought that they were in my future.  I said "never say never," but as of right now, children were the furthest thing from my mind.  I still loved my evenings out, weekend trips away and mornings off reading in bed.  I told him I had a ton of respect for those who had children, because at this point of my life, knowing what I knew about the investment of time and energy a child takes, I didn't feel I was a good candidate. . .

"So you really don't have any interest in kids?" he asked seemingly befuddled.

"Honestly, I'm still a big kid myself. There is a lot that I would want to do with a partner before having children, and just think that jumping into having kids in the super near future with someone I just met, might not be the best idea."

He looked nearly disappointed.  Why did he look disappointed?

Wait, no way. . . I am such an idiot.

Oh God.  This wasn't a friendly drink/get-together. . . this was a date.  I just had no idea going into it that it was a date because I had no idea he was single! The questions about kids didn't have to do with my personal preferences per se; it had to do with whether or not I would be a good candidate to date HIM who had a child already.  Now I felt like a jerk. . . .How do I save this from being the awkward silence that it could possibly be.  OK make this less of a date. . .

"So have you been dating since your divorce?" I inquired.

He divulged that he had been on a few dates, but hadn't really connected with the women because of his hectic schedule with his work and trying to spend as much time as possible with his child.  I offered up perhaps trying to meet single Moms through the day care or in his neighborhood. I was trying to sound cheerful and helpful, and just was failing terribly.  Who was I to play dating counselor??

I think at this point in the evening the bubble had been burst for both of us.  I wasn't ready to date someone with a small child, that had very limited time, and he got the picture that I wasn't the best candidate for him.  We shared a few more stories of times past, finished our drinks and wished each other well on our quest for love.

I ran into him a few months later. He had met a great single Mom, and she and he were doing fantastic. I was so happy for him! In a lot of ways, it gave me hope to keep on going with this dating endeavor.  And so I did. . .

The Knightess

Happy 2014! 

Long before I ever decided to do this dating blog, I had erected an online profile on a dating site to try to meet people when I lived in Oz. I found that after a few dates with Australian men I had nothing in common with, I all but forgot about this profile. One day when I was back living in the US, I realized that I had this dating profile out there and decided I would investigate if it had better opportunity for me now that I was back in the States.

As I put in the criteria for my search of who was online dating in NJ I mistakenly hit "women seeking women" instead of "women seeking men." As a bevy of women's profiles popped up, I thought to just close out of search and start over.  Then, for a reason I am still not sure of, I began to read a few of the profiles.

Now. . . my sexual preferences didn't just magically change over night. That is not what caused me to put a toe into the lady pool. You see, when I really like a person, I find it is the person I really like. Not if they are male or female, not if they are rich or poor, not if they have a powerful job or if they are a pauper. It doesn't matter to me. What matters is that I have feelings for that person, love who they are, and want to be with them.  

My mother raised me telling me that she didn't care if I came home with men or women, just that my hair had to be longer than the guys. I grew my hair as long as I could, and I felt free to date anyone. With my European approach to sexuality I spent my whole life appreciating the beauty of women. I didn't think it was weird to think women were attractive in the same way I thought of men, and because of that, I believed that dating, for me, could encompass an individual from either of these groups.  

This mentality has caused me to have great, healthy relationships of varying degrees with both men and women. I wouldn't classify myself as gay or heterosexual; I don't know that I would even call myself bi-sexual. I would say I am an opportunist who just loves people. 

Or maybe I'm a human squid. I hear they don't have a preference either. 

Getting back to my Knightess. . . 

I had sworn off dating women for what I thought was going to be forever after I met a woman a number of years ago I truly loved and cared. I thought that, after her, I would no longer date women as a way to sort of commemorate the way I felt about her. I didn't want to ever feel like I was replacing what I had with her with anyone else, so I just put my interest in women on a shelf after our relationship and thought I would never dust it off again. 

But here I was, a few years later, wondering if holding a torch for a past relationship was the best idea. I took a look through some of the profiles of the women on the site. Maybe there were two dozen women seeking women. There were no where near as many profiles as there were of men. I peered through a number of profiles and found the same result as I did with a lot of the men I saw on the site: There were a lot of great people out there, maybe just not the great person for me. As I was about to give up my search entirely I came across a profile that stopped me in my tracks. 

She had just one picture and she was smiling like the Mona Lisa in it. She had this cool chick air about her that seemed to be tempered with a good sense of self that was somehow easily conveyed in this lone picture. As I read her profile she seemed to be a down to earth person, who was an entrepreneur, with a myriad of varying interests and a positive outlook on life.  I looked back at her pictures; she was beautiful. She had long brown hair, light eyes along slender face and slim build painted with tattoos.

I decided I was going to throw caution to the wind and send her an email to see if she might have any interest in me. I told her that I had seen her profile and it had caught my attention. I can't recall all the specifics because it pre-dates my blog notes, but the exchange via email was kinda just a "thought I would say hi". To this day, I can't recall what she sent me back, but whatever it was, it got us texting and emailing for quite sometime.

For a year we exchanged text messages and phone calls.  A year.

She would call me and we would joke about how we were never going to meet.  I would tease her about her schedule being worse than mine somehow. She sent me smiling pictures of her out in the sunshine, and I sent her pictures of me in my bartending blacks.  It was a sweet friendship that just always had "to be continued" embossed on it.

Throughout all of this, we had never tried to get together to meet. I don't know what we were afraid of, or even if it was just bad timing. . .We just never even seemed to bring up getting together.

With all this time passing in between our communications, I had started writing this dating blog. I think that I either told her I was writing it, or she saw that I was the author of it.  She would joke about what I was going to write about her if we ever went out. I thought that we were never going to get together so it wasn't really a concern of mine. . .

After we had crested just beyond a year of periodic phone calls and random text messages she told me that this couldn't go on anymore: we had to meet.

We were two single people, neither of us were seeing anyone, and it seemed like our schedules were going to finally allow this meeting to happen.

I agreed with her that meeting was a stellar plan.

We agreed upon a late lunch.  We both owned our own companies and could have a long lunch if we so wanted.  Go us entrepreneurs.

When I arrived at Urban Table she was running late. I was happy to sit and surf Pinterest till she got there (as I now find it a hobby like some would needlepoint).

When she arrived she was cloaked in her long wool jacket and a scarf. It was particularly cold for this time of year and she was as bundled as I was for our evening.

She immediately spotted me, came over waved and plunked herself down across from me.  I think that for the first few minutes we both just sort of stared at each other nearly in disbelief that we were finally meeting.

As she took off her coat and got comfortable we made small talk about the weather, our arrivals there and our respective days to this point. I immediately felt at ease talking to her. . .Something even MADE ME want to talk to her like I had known her my whole life.  I would say it was the months of back and forth mini communications, but it wasn't that. She was like Oprah or Barbara Walters: You just wanted to tell her your life story and you weren't really sure why.  Maybe it was the way that she asked questions that made me feel like I was the only person in the whole building.  Maybe it was how engaged she looked when she listened to what I had to say.  Maybe it was because, for once, she seemed to be running the show as far as questions and the flow of the conversation.  She seemed inquisitive about legitimately getting to know me, and genuinely interested in what I had to say.

I think my Knightess could definitely replace her on daytime TV. 

I, was equally fascinated by her.  At times we both had questions for the other and had to politely excuse ourselves for cutting the other off. We had so much to share. Stories of our travels, our friends, our businesses, our dating experiences. We had so much in common! I think that the only things that we didn't agree on were that she loved coffee and I didn't, and she had a small of militia of pets that I was potentially deathly allergic to.

Our lunch date turned into afternoon drinks.  Our afternoon drinks now turned into an early dinner as the sun set. I think that the waitstaff even changed hands to the night shift and we were still sitting there sipping our martinis, and chatting. I think that we may have barely drank our first drinks because we were chatting away so much.

This was a great date!!

I found out that we had both dated men and women and how interesting it was that we had found each other.  "What are the chances," I thought.

One of us looked at our watches.  It was nearly 8pm in the evening. We had set out for this date HOURS ago. There was some work that she had to do, and I still had some things that I needed to wrap up for clients for my work.

My initial feelings of skepticism of going out with another woman had totally washed away.  Maybe this could work out. . .We had so much in common and seemed to want the same things. . .The only tough part seemed to be our schedules being so demanding of us.  It took us over a year to get together, but here it was, seemingly well worth it.

As we were departing the restaurant we went back and forth who would walk who to their car.  She won: we ended up walking me to my car. Our night ended as most date movie endings do.  She and I both stood by my car kicking stones, shimming our legs nervously, shuffling in place doing the "when do we get to go out again" dance. We determined that we had a great time and we should see where this went moving forward.  I agreed. This had been one of the best dates I had been on. She stepped in and gave me a big hug and kissed me goodnight.  I was entirely OK with this.

We were like high school kids saying good night. We backed away from each other waving goodbye and smiling.  I was really happy that we had finally decided to get together.

As I got into my car I noticed that I felt flush. I thought perhaps it was the feel good high I was on.  As I put the key in the ignition I couldn't help but keep blinking and squinting my eyes because they were itching.  By the time I was half way down the block, my hands, my neck and my face were itching terribly and covered in red swollen hives.  I was now starting to wheeze.

HOLY SHIT. I AM HAVING A MASSIVE ALLERGIC REACTION!!

As my left eye started to swell up and my throat itched like I was being rubbed with sandpaper it occurred to me: This had happened before with my friends that had cats and dogs that I was allergic to.

In the past I had occasions where I hugged someone goodbye and the cat or dog fur that was on their coat or shirt threw me into an allergic fit.  Tonight was no different. I guess her scarf or jacket had some of her pet's fuzz on them and when she hugged me goodbye, wa la.

Yes. I am really that allergic to fuzzy creatures.

How could this be!! Everything had been magic!

As I drove off itching and scratching, fumbling for my emergency Benadryl and inhaler, I couldn't help but feel like this dating thing was just never going to work out for me :(

The "Self-Destructing" Knight

There had been a long period of hardship with the blog. I realized more and more that this was going to make for a great book, but probably ward me off from dating for possibly, the rest of my life. I had set out with aspirations of potentially meeting a partner, however, each time I told a friend that I thought that this was possible, I was told "Do you really think so?'

I have hope. . . but I hear hope kills people, so I guess I was to tread lightly with that hope.

I was coming off a long string of dates that weren't really gonna go anywhere. You find out at around the third date, if they are going to turn into a pumpkin, they do. I believe that we all put our best foot forward when on a first date and by date three, if they are going to let their freak flag fly, it's unfurled then.

I was beginning to re think my strategy. I was casting a net that perhaps was too inclusive. In my EOE dating, perhaps my own pre-conceived notions and preferences were getting in the way. I never thought I really had a type. I had always prided myself on being the John Mayer of diverse dating, but maybe, as I aged I really did have some ideas of what I wanted. Maybe I wanted to be a bit more selective than I had been. Early on it was fun to have nothing in common with someone. Now it was just arduous.

What is the story here. Is he using the Top Prospect finder as well??

I logged on to the dating website for what seemed like a daily log in to a work email. Parsing through the inbox spam of "sup baby," "ur a hottie," and "wanna chatz" from the team of towel men, I found what looked like the golden ticket.  I looked at his profile picture.  He looked strikingly similar to someone I had dated in college. On close examination of this doppelganger, I realized that he was not the same man and I felt OK continuing to investigate. From the looks of the picture I immediately knew that it had been taken in Bangkok. One tick in the "we have things in common category," and a tick in the "I find you attractive category." We were off to a good start.

 As I clicked on the profile I saw pictures of him in tropical locales, pictures of him at a Giants game and one of him at a swanky night club. OK. He goes out, likes football, has friends and good taste in places to go. All pluses. His message to me was simple. He came across my profile, thought we had a lot in common with our traveling and love of the finer things in life, and perhaps this could be a good place to start to see if there was an attraction.

I checked out his profile to see the rest of the stats. He was 28, interested in a relationship and lived about 45 minutes away. He worked at a family owned business and had a positive outlook on life and had a short About Me" highlighting work and his love of a good time. Under "First Date" he had put that he was willing to do whatever his date thought would be fun.

Surprisingly, not someone I have been on a date with. 

I wrote back thanking him for the note, inquiring if the picture was, in fact from Thailand, and what he thought of last season's Giants. He responded nearly immediately. He had his opinions of the season, he disclosed that he was in fact in Thailand in the picture and was impressed that I knew where the picture had been taken. He mentioned that he had traveled quite a bit on that side of the world because he had lived in Australia for sometime.

Huh. Who knew. I had spent some months in Australia back in 2010-2011 and loved it. Now we had another thing in common. Our love of Oz.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi 

He had sent his phone number and suggested I text him so we could get off this site. I agreed and sent on my info that began our texting.

I think we text for nearly two hours the night he gave me his number. We talked about our time in Oz, travels, what we enjoyed about being back in NJ and our favorite foods to cook. Throughout the day, on days leading up to the date, he would send me texts asking how I was, what I was up to and just general get to know you questions. No weird pictures. No creepy dick pics. Just two people getting to know each other via text. We were due to get together on a Sunday afternoon. When he asked what I wanted to do, I, wanting to capitalize on this "I'll do whatever you want" proposition had shot over

Let's go check out the zoo. 

Now let me preface this by saying, the zoo has a special place in my heart. When I was a little girl, I lived just down the street from the Turtle Back Zoo for many years.  Every weekend my father could, he took me to the zoo to marvel at all of the animals. I am sure you weren't supposed to pet the yak, or grab it by the nostrils for that matter, but this was father-daughter time.  From the age of 3, I held huge boa constrictors, pet tarantulas and had my cracker filled pockets nibbled at by nanny goats, all while my father proudly looked on.

I had wanted to get back to this zoo for ages but each time that things would start to come together, something would happen and I wasn't able to get there. THIS WAS MY CHANCE!!

I also felt that it was a wholesome way to get to know someone. He seemed well traveled this mini safari might be just up his alley. I hoped.

He responded back that he had not been in a very long time, it was an original idea and "sure," he would go.

Like a child being told that they were going to Disney World, I dashed through my apartment, phone in hand and threw myself onto my bed, as if I were 10.  I was going to the zoo!!!!

Perhaps this joy glazed over were going to be two of my hard and fast rules.

I asked if he wanted to meet me there. He text me that he wasn't able to because he didn't have his car.

I, stupidly, assumed it was in the shop.

He asked if I didn't mind picking him up. I said that it wasn't a bother because, I think that in this day and age I can pick up my date. Besides, WE WERE GOING TO THE ZOO!

The date was the next day. I arrived at what I thought was going to be an apartment: It was a house. From the looks of the house, it was not decorated by men of their late 20s but rather someone who was into the Arts and Crafts Movement. Hmmm.

I pulled up and put on the air conditioning.  It barely works in my 13 year old vehicle but it was hot as balls out and not everyone is OK with the heat like I am. It began sadly eking out the vents and I prayed that the car actually cooled down before we reached the zoo. As I stood up out of the car I thought to myself, "God Damned, it's hot out here," as the sun scorched down upon me. I was dressed in a light, cotton sundress and flip flops. As my Knight exited the house, he looked just like his picture.

OK I guess I was at the right place?

As he approached I noticed that he was very well dressed. His plaid shirt was pressed, his blond hair perfectly gelled in place, and he was wearing very well cut jeans. Jeans huh? It was 104 degrees in the shade today, and he was wearing jeans. Well, I wasn't his mother, and this was my first time meeting him. What was I gonna say, "Buddy, did you step outside at all today before you got dressed?" Nope. I was going to keep my mouth shut and just stand here and smile.

He walked over to the car and gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug.  He remarked about how hot it was. He even said, "I wonder if I am going to be OK in jeans." I offered to wait while he changed. Nope. He was going to keep them on. OK. Well let's see how this goes.

As we drove the half hour to the zoo we talked about how unique this was as far as first dates go. I told him I really liked making the most of my days off and I thought that this might just be fun. I mentioned that there was a great place right next door called the Boathouse that would be a super place to grab a drink and a bite to eat after our outing at the zoo. I was willing to compromise on my usually paltry budget for a date to make this a great well rounded afternoon!

I noticed that in the car, even with the AC on this poor man was sweating like he was being interrogated. Oh man. This might be a long day.

We parked the car and as we approached the zoo he commented that we might be the only adults inside without kids. I told him children weren't required to enter and we both had a laugh. Once we walked inside I realized that this man now had sweat marks like the rings of Saturn around his armpits.

In the distance I saw one of those sprinkler hoses that children play under in the summer.You know, kind of like the watering system at the grocery store that sprays the plants. There were children dancing under it, and fathers nearby, faining interest in the dancing and trying to get their soak on under the guise of mindful parenting.  I playfully suggested that we should take a run under the sprinklers and cool down. I proceeded to run through and awaited him on the opposite side. He told me he didn't want to mess up his hair. I stood bewildered.  You would rather sweat to death than mess up your hair. OK. So this man cared more about his hair than I did mine. Who am I to pass judgement.

He cautiously stood so the water barely sprayed him and definitely didn't hit his hair. I think that he may have mentioned that his shoes were new too. . .So I'm just more of a rough and tumble girl. So be it.

I offered to get him a water to drink, or throw on himself, a multitude of times while we were walking around and he declined. We had a good time chatting each other up while wandering around. I was filled with dread that this poor man was going to pass out from heat stroke while we were trying to enjoy our day. Any opportunity we had to get into an air conditioned exhibit, the dark bat cave or even petting the sharks to cool down, we took it. I continually re assured him that we could go at any point. He insisted we stayed to see all the cool looking exhibits and that he would be OK. I thanked him profusely for being such a good sport and promised good food and cold drinks in our future.

After nearly 90 minutes of torture we had finally completed the tour of the zoo. My date looked like he had been waterboarded. But keep in mind, his hair was still totally in place.

We exited the zoo and again he commented again how we were the only people without children there. I asked him if he had a good time, and aside from sweating bullets, he agreed it was a good time.

We got into the car and drove over to the restaurant that we literally could have hit with a stone from where we were. I wasn’t about to make this poor guy walk one more foot. He was saturated from head to toe and his clothes were now clinging to him.

When we sat down I immediately summoned the server.

“Can you please bring two LARGE glasses of water and some sides of ice?” I inquired.

The waiter brought over waters and I ordered a glass of Prosecco.  I asked my Knight what he was going to be drinking. He said he had “like four bottles of wine at the party I was at last night. I am super hung over and I can’t even look at wine.  I didn’t even get to bed until nearly 5am .” 

Hmmm. So he's one of these rage until dawn guys. I don't know if I can keep up with that anymore. 

“I’ll take a Markers Mark Manhattan,” he declared.

"Welp, that is definitely some of the hair of the dog that bit ya.” I thought to myself.

Usually the sight of water when I am hung over makes me want to heave. This guy was going for the gusto with the bourbon.

He looked at me beaming, “I learned what a Manhattan was watching Mad Men. I think that Don Draper is my hero.”

If I drink like Don Draper, then I am Don Draper. 

I smiled back feebly.  Hip hop horray?

As he sat there cooling like a nuclear reactor on the brink of blowing up, we chatted about our work and other previous jobs we had. He asked me about my experiences on the dating site and shared his.

I guess he had been dating via this site as much as I had, and had stories of crazy women and tales of Catfish a plenty. He was definitely no stranger to dating or women in general. He was happy to tell me of his sexcapades and wild nights and professional wooing of women. 

Through all this however, I do have to say he was very complimentary. He shared with me that he loved that I was Italian and blond. Only one of the two I had really had any say in. At one point he had asked me if we would go out again. I told him that “we would see how things went.”

He then shared that he was a womanizer that was trying to change his ways and just be with one woman.  No more of this going out, getting drunk every night and hooking up. He was looking to be a changed man. 

I cocked an eyebrow. I wasn’t really sure if me and a wanna be reformed party boy would really work. I had dated men with these ambitions in my 20s, and found that if they really were going to change, apparently it wasn’t going to happen during our tenure. My nights of drunken shenanigans, and partying till the sun came up were long in my past. I was now happy if I made it past 12:30 and seeing the sun come up seemed like an anxiety ridden nightmare these days.

I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to respond.

“That’s great,” was all I could come up with.

"Now," I thought to myself, "we begin the descent into the part where the date is gonna go south." 

“So why are you without your car these days?” I inquired.  

Let’s get all the awkward conversation out of the way right now. 

“Well I am in litigation to determine whether or not I am getting a DUI,” he responded.

OK.  Many of us have been there. I don’t think that is the particular issue. What we run into here is one of the cardinal rules I tried to put in place at the beginning of this endeavor. Dates must have a car/be able to drive.

This was gonna be a challenge. 

I then thought it would be a good time to move on to “inquiring minds want to know” question number two. I felt like I was on a roll. 

“OK. That’s good to know,” I said.

“So then are you living at home to save money for a house?” I asked.

“Well,” he said. “It’s convenient when I need rides places that I can hit up my family members. I have my own room in the basement and it’s not bad being there.”

Guideline number two: Must not live at home.

I felt like I was on a date with a teenager. So not only would I have to schlep him back and forth from his home, but I would have to jockey for a position on the couch when we wanted to watch a movie.  Awesome.  I felt like I had done this in my 20s too.  I would have actually welcomed him telling me he was still living in a fraternity house at this point.

Let’s focus on the positive I thought.  “So what’s the best part about your job?’ I asked. “Well I pretty much call my own hours, come and go as I please, only work three days a week and I pretty much just show up and wine and dine people.”

So my reformed womanizing date, who is trying to give up the party lifestyle gets paid to be a slacker and day drink as his job while others support his “pursuits.” Oh and don’t forget Mom does his laundry, cooks his meals and paid for his attorney for this court case.

I think that at 25 perhaps I would have signed up for this; because I was young and stupid. 

I would have said “I love driving. I don’t mind sharing a space with a man’s family. I think that it’s worth taking the chance that this man will become who he wants to be and I can help him.” But now, today, I just wasn’t feeling it.

My good friend Caroline tells me all the time, “You are not a charity. You don’t have to save anyone. You need someone who is complimentary to you and can be there and help care for you if you need it.” Her words echoed inside my head.

I thought it was admirable that he suffered through intense heat and the onslaught of small children. I was impressed with the fact that he paid the bill. I was flattered by the fact that he was intent to see me again, but I wasn’t really sure that this was going to go anywhere.

As we drove back to his place, I was trying to determine if I was being too judgmental. 

Again, he turned to me and asked me if we were going to go out again. "We'll see," I answered. 

As I looked over he was slathering his lips with some sort of lip balm. I commented on how I loved the lip balm I used and how addicted to it I was. He commented on how he had to continually apply it because being in the sun caused him to regularly have cold sores. But I wasn't to worry, because, it wasn't like I could get them from him. 

Umm. I didn't think that that was how all it worked and mentioned this, but he was happy to tell me I was wrong. 

Hmmm. 

As he got out of the car and said good night he told me again how he loved that I was Italian and blond. He told me he wanted to see me again. He told me he wanted to see what it would be like to be intimate with me. 

"OK, awkwardly forward," I thought to myself.

I told him that I had a lovely time, thanked him for suffering through the insane heat, and joked that he shouldn't run out and buy condoms yet. Trying to add some levity to this awkward parting dance. 

He then looked at me and laughed. 

"I don't believe in condoms," he said.

My eyes nearly bugged out of my head.  This man must be kidding. Right??? Who says that???

I thanked him for a nice day, bid him farewell, never, ever to see him again.