The "Self-Destructing" Knight

There had been a long period of hardship with the blog. I realized more and more that this was going to make for a great book, but probably ward me off from dating for possibly, the rest of my life. I had set out with aspirations of potentially meeting a partner, however, each time I told a friend that I thought that this was possible, I was told "Do you really think so?'

I have hope. . . but I hear hope kills people, so I guess I was to tread lightly with that hope.

I was coming off a long string of dates that weren't really gonna go anywhere. You find out at around the third date, if they are going to turn into a pumpkin, they do. I believe that we all put our best foot forward when on a first date and by date three, if they are going to let their freak flag fly, it's unfurled then.

I was beginning to re think my strategy. I was casting a net that perhaps was too inclusive. In my EOE dating, perhaps my own pre-conceived notions and preferences were getting in the way. I never thought I really had a type. I had always prided myself on being the John Mayer of diverse dating, but maybe, as I aged I really did have some ideas of what I wanted. Maybe I wanted to be a bit more selective than I had been. Early on it was fun to have nothing in common with someone. Now it was just arduous.

What is the story here. Is he using the Top Prospect finder as well??

I logged on to the dating website for what seemed like a daily log in to a work email. Parsing through the inbox spam of "sup baby," "ur a hottie," and "wanna chatz" from the team of towel men, I found what looked like the golden ticket.  I looked at his profile picture.  He looked strikingly similar to someone I had dated in college. On close examination of this doppelganger, I realized that he was not the same man and I felt OK continuing to investigate. From the looks of the picture I immediately knew that it had been taken in Bangkok. One tick in the "we have things in common category," and a tick in the "I find you attractive category." We were off to a good start.

 As I clicked on the profile I saw pictures of him in tropical locales, pictures of him at a Giants game and one of him at a swanky night club. OK. He goes out, likes football, has friends and good taste in places to go. All pluses. His message to me was simple. He came across my profile, thought we had a lot in common with our traveling and love of the finer things in life, and perhaps this could be a good place to start to see if there was an attraction.

I checked out his profile to see the rest of the stats. He was 28, interested in a relationship and lived about 45 minutes away. He worked at a family owned business and had a positive outlook on life and had a short About Me" highlighting work and his love of a good time. Under "First Date" he had put that he was willing to do whatever his date thought would be fun.

Surprisingly, not someone I have been on a date with. 

I wrote back thanking him for the note, inquiring if the picture was, in fact from Thailand, and what he thought of last season's Giants. He responded nearly immediately. He had his opinions of the season, he disclosed that he was in fact in Thailand in the picture and was impressed that I knew where the picture had been taken. He mentioned that he had traveled quite a bit on that side of the world because he had lived in Australia for sometime.

Huh. Who knew. I had spent some months in Australia back in 2010-2011 and loved it. Now we had another thing in common. Our love of Oz.

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oi, Oi, Oi 

He had sent his phone number and suggested I text him so we could get off this site. I agreed and sent on my info that began our texting.

I think we text for nearly two hours the night he gave me his number. We talked about our time in Oz, travels, what we enjoyed about being back in NJ and our favorite foods to cook. Throughout the day, on days leading up to the date, he would send me texts asking how I was, what I was up to and just general get to know you questions. No weird pictures. No creepy dick pics. Just two people getting to know each other via text. We were due to get together on a Sunday afternoon. When he asked what I wanted to do, I, wanting to capitalize on this "I'll do whatever you want" proposition had shot over

Let's go check out the zoo. 

Now let me preface this by saying, the zoo has a special place in my heart. When I was a little girl, I lived just down the street from the Turtle Back Zoo for many years.  Every weekend my father could, he took me to the zoo to marvel at all of the animals. I am sure you weren't supposed to pet the yak, or grab it by the nostrils for that matter, but this was father-daughter time.  From the age of 3, I held huge boa constrictors, pet tarantulas and had my cracker filled pockets nibbled at by nanny goats, all while my father proudly looked on.

I had wanted to get back to this zoo for ages but each time that things would start to come together, something would happen and I wasn't able to get there. THIS WAS MY CHANCE!!

I also felt that it was a wholesome way to get to know someone. He seemed well traveled this mini safari might be just up his alley. I hoped.

He responded back that he had not been in a very long time, it was an original idea and "sure," he would go.

Like a child being told that they were going to Disney World, I dashed through my apartment, phone in hand and threw myself onto my bed, as if I were 10.  I was going to the zoo!!!!

Perhaps this joy glazed over were going to be two of my hard and fast rules.

I asked if he wanted to meet me there. He text me that he wasn't able to because he didn't have his car.

I, stupidly, assumed it was in the shop.

He asked if I didn't mind picking him up. I said that it wasn't a bother because, I think that in this day and age I can pick up my date. Besides, WE WERE GOING TO THE ZOO!

The date was the next day. I arrived at what I thought was going to be an apartment: It was a house. From the looks of the house, it was not decorated by men of their late 20s but rather someone who was into the Arts and Crafts Movement. Hmmm.

I pulled up and put on the air conditioning.  It barely works in my 13 year old vehicle but it was hot as balls out and not everyone is OK with the heat like I am. It began sadly eking out the vents and I prayed that the car actually cooled down before we reached the zoo. As I stood up out of the car I thought to myself, "God Damned, it's hot out here," as the sun scorched down upon me. I was dressed in a light, cotton sundress and flip flops. As my Knight exited the house, he looked just like his picture.

OK I guess I was at the right place?

As he approached I noticed that he was very well dressed. His plaid shirt was pressed, his blond hair perfectly gelled in place, and he was wearing very well cut jeans. Jeans huh? It was 104 degrees in the shade today, and he was wearing jeans. Well, I wasn't his mother, and this was my first time meeting him. What was I gonna say, "Buddy, did you step outside at all today before you got dressed?" Nope. I was going to keep my mouth shut and just stand here and smile.

He walked over to the car and gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug.  He remarked about how hot it was. He even said, "I wonder if I am going to be OK in jeans." I offered to wait while he changed. Nope. He was going to keep them on. OK. Well let's see how this goes.

As we drove the half hour to the zoo we talked about how unique this was as far as first dates go. I told him I really liked making the most of my days off and I thought that this might just be fun. I mentioned that there was a great place right next door called the Boathouse that would be a super place to grab a drink and a bite to eat after our outing at the zoo. I was willing to compromise on my usually paltry budget for a date to make this a great well rounded afternoon!

I noticed that in the car, even with the AC on this poor man was sweating like he was being interrogated. Oh man. This might be a long day.

We parked the car and as we approached the zoo he commented that we might be the only adults inside without kids. I told him children weren't required to enter and we both had a laugh. Once we walked inside I realized that this man now had sweat marks like the rings of Saturn around his armpits.

In the distance I saw one of those sprinkler hoses that children play under in the summer.You know, kind of like the watering system at the grocery store that sprays the plants. There were children dancing under it, and fathers nearby, faining interest in the dancing and trying to get their soak on under the guise of mindful parenting.  I playfully suggested that we should take a run under the sprinklers and cool down. I proceeded to run through and awaited him on the opposite side. He told me he didn't want to mess up his hair. I stood bewildered.  You would rather sweat to death than mess up your hair. OK. So this man cared more about his hair than I did mine. Who am I to pass judgement.

He cautiously stood so the water barely sprayed him and definitely didn't hit his hair. I think that he may have mentioned that his shoes were new too. . .So I'm just more of a rough and tumble girl. So be it.

I offered to get him a water to drink, or throw on himself, a multitude of times while we were walking around and he declined. We had a good time chatting each other up while wandering around. I was filled with dread that this poor man was going to pass out from heat stroke while we were trying to enjoy our day. Any opportunity we had to get into an air conditioned exhibit, the dark bat cave or even petting the sharks to cool down, we took it. I continually re assured him that we could go at any point. He insisted we stayed to see all the cool looking exhibits and that he would be OK. I thanked him profusely for being such a good sport and promised good food and cold drinks in our future.

After nearly 90 minutes of torture we had finally completed the tour of the zoo. My date looked like he had been waterboarded. But keep in mind, his hair was still totally in place.

We exited the zoo and again he commented again how we were the only people without children there. I asked him if he had a good time, and aside from sweating bullets, he agreed it was a good time.

We got into the car and drove over to the restaurant that we literally could have hit with a stone from where we were. I wasn’t about to make this poor guy walk one more foot. He was saturated from head to toe and his clothes were now clinging to him.

When we sat down I immediately summoned the server.

“Can you please bring two LARGE glasses of water and some sides of ice?” I inquired.

The waiter brought over waters and I ordered a glass of Prosecco.  I asked my Knight what he was going to be drinking. He said he had “like four bottles of wine at the party I was at last night. I am super hung over and I can’t even look at wine.  I didn’t even get to bed until nearly 5am .” 

Hmmm. So he's one of these rage until dawn guys. I don't know if I can keep up with that anymore. 

“I’ll take a Markers Mark Manhattan,” he declared.

"Welp, that is definitely some of the hair of the dog that bit ya.” I thought to myself.

Usually the sight of water when I am hung over makes me want to heave. This guy was going for the gusto with the bourbon.

He looked at me beaming, “I learned what a Manhattan was watching Mad Men. I think that Don Draper is my hero.”

If I drink like Don Draper, then I am Don Draper. 

I smiled back feebly.  Hip hop horray?

As he sat there cooling like a nuclear reactor on the brink of blowing up, we chatted about our work and other previous jobs we had. He asked me about my experiences on the dating site and shared his.

I guess he had been dating via this site as much as I had, and had stories of crazy women and tales of Catfish a plenty. He was definitely no stranger to dating or women in general. He was happy to tell me of his sexcapades and wild nights and professional wooing of women. 

Through all this however, I do have to say he was very complimentary. He shared with me that he loved that I was Italian and blond. Only one of the two I had really had any say in. At one point he had asked me if we would go out again. I told him that “we would see how things went.”

He then shared that he was a womanizer that was trying to change his ways and just be with one woman.  No more of this going out, getting drunk every night and hooking up. He was looking to be a changed man. 

I cocked an eyebrow. I wasn’t really sure if me and a wanna be reformed party boy would really work. I had dated men with these ambitions in my 20s, and found that if they really were going to change, apparently it wasn’t going to happen during our tenure. My nights of drunken shenanigans, and partying till the sun came up were long in my past. I was now happy if I made it past 12:30 and seeing the sun come up seemed like an anxiety ridden nightmare these days.

I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to respond.

“That’s great,” was all I could come up with.

"Now," I thought to myself, "we begin the descent into the part where the date is gonna go south." 

“So why are you without your car these days?” I inquired.  

Let’s get all the awkward conversation out of the way right now. 

“Well I am in litigation to determine whether or not I am getting a DUI,” he responded.

OK.  Many of us have been there. I don’t think that is the particular issue. What we run into here is one of the cardinal rules I tried to put in place at the beginning of this endeavor. Dates must have a car/be able to drive.

This was gonna be a challenge. 

I then thought it would be a good time to move on to “inquiring minds want to know” question number two. I felt like I was on a roll. 

“OK. That’s good to know,” I said.

“So then are you living at home to save money for a house?” I asked.

“Well,” he said. “It’s convenient when I need rides places that I can hit up my family members. I have my own room in the basement and it’s not bad being there.”

Guideline number two: Must not live at home.

I felt like I was on a date with a teenager. So not only would I have to schlep him back and forth from his home, but I would have to jockey for a position on the couch when we wanted to watch a movie.  Awesome.  I felt like I had done this in my 20s too.  I would have actually welcomed him telling me he was still living in a fraternity house at this point.

Let’s focus on the positive I thought.  “So what’s the best part about your job?’ I asked. “Well I pretty much call my own hours, come and go as I please, only work three days a week and I pretty much just show up and wine and dine people.”

So my reformed womanizing date, who is trying to give up the party lifestyle gets paid to be a slacker and day drink as his job while others support his “pursuits.” Oh and don’t forget Mom does his laundry, cooks his meals and paid for his attorney for this court case.

I think that at 25 perhaps I would have signed up for this; because I was young and stupid. 

I would have said “I love driving. I don’t mind sharing a space with a man’s family. I think that it’s worth taking the chance that this man will become who he wants to be and I can help him.” But now, today, I just wasn’t feeling it.

My good friend Caroline tells me all the time, “You are not a charity. You don’t have to save anyone. You need someone who is complimentary to you and can be there and help care for you if you need it.” Her words echoed inside my head.

I thought it was admirable that he suffered through intense heat and the onslaught of small children. I was impressed with the fact that he paid the bill. I was flattered by the fact that he was intent to see me again, but I wasn’t really sure that this was going to go anywhere.

As we drove back to his place, I was trying to determine if I was being too judgmental. 

Again, he turned to me and asked me if we were going to go out again. "We'll see," I answered. 

As I looked over he was slathering his lips with some sort of lip balm. I commented on how I loved the lip balm I used and how addicted to it I was. He commented on how he had to continually apply it because being in the sun caused him to regularly have cold sores. But I wasn't to worry, because, it wasn't like I could get them from him. 

Umm. I didn't think that that was how all it worked and mentioned this, but he was happy to tell me I was wrong. 

Hmmm. 

As he got out of the car and said good night he told me again how he loved that I was Italian and blond. He told me he wanted to see me again. He told me he wanted to see what it would be like to be intimate with me. 

"OK, awkwardly forward," I thought to myself.

I told him that I had a lovely time, thanked him for suffering through the insane heat, and joked that he shouldn't run out and buy condoms yet. Trying to add some levity to this awkward parting dance. 

He then looked at me and laughed. 

"I don't believe in condoms," he said.

My eyes nearly bugged out of my head.  This man must be kidding. Right??? Who says that???

I thanked him for a nice day, bid him farewell, never, ever to see him again.